I’m not entirely sure why, but I had a kind of moment on the fourth of July. I was reflecting on the activities of the week (coming and going) and where I am today as compared to where I’ve been in the past.
When I learned of my ex-husband’s affair it felt like my world was both exploding and imploding right before me. I had the support of those around me but still felt completely and utterly alone. It felt like I had been set adrift with no direction or even a paddle. Buffeted by my fears and trying to grasp on to anything that might keep me afloat. Even as I marched on I protectively and ashamedly hid the damage.
But this week just reminded me how much more my life has become, how much richer and deeper than it ever was during my marriage. Not only do I have a wonderful man in my life that vows to always be my partner but I have rediscovered my friends and made new ones. Good people. People that love and respect me and I love and respect in return. We had to sort out multiple invites for the long weekend which is a blessing of a problem to have. It wasn’t just random invites, but dear friends that we wanted to spend time with as much as they us. I love my family dearly, but I’ve also grown to really love Geoff’s family. (As an aside I’ve also learned to appreciate how much your partner’s family can impact the relationship dynamic.) I just have so incredibly much to be thankful for and feel so incredibly loved. It makes loving myself that much easier too. I really couldn’t imagine how my life would evolve over the last couple years. I refuse to say I’m better off for my divorce, because I would have been better off for not having that person in my life in the first place, but I’m still shocked at how deep I was in the dysfunction and how broad the impact. I can only see that now being away from it. I felt like I needed to work on building a tribe while in my marriage because it felt so unstable. Now it just seems to happen easily. And female friends even! I have girls to grab a cup of coffee with. Girls to squee about fashion with. Girls to tell my insecurities and fears.
I’ve never felt less alone. For that I am so very thankful.