A Post That Isn’t a Post

I guess this is a sort of informal update and to admit that I’m not dead.  You may, or may not have, noticed that I pulled all of the beauty related posts from the blog.  I’ve been spending a lot of time thinking about several different projects I’d liked to work on and while I still thoroughly enjoy beauty and fashion it’s a very saturated “market” out there and I don’t feel that I have a particularly unique perspective to bring to it.  It was something I was doing for awhile and it was generating a slowly increasing audience, but I can’t say it was something where I felt like I was really contributing anything unique and valuable to the conversation.  That said, I dropped it and then just stopped saying *anything* it seems.

This last school term, that finished up around 4th of July, was positively challenging for me.  It shouldn’t have been, but it was.  I took Physics and Digital Photography.  With my background in modeling and studio photography the digital photography course should have been CAKE, but I am, at heart, still an artist and I was never satisfied with what I was contributing despite receiving excellent marks.  The compressed timeline and assigned projects was probably good for me on some level because it pushes my boundaries and comfort zone, but coupling that with a class with a poor professor and a challenging subject, Physics, and I felt that I continually had to compromise on the quality of my art in favor of doing what was good enough to get a good grade with in the small amount of time that was left after doing my Phsyics school work.  It pained me in a way I think only an artist can understand.  Eventually I found myself quitting many of the little things, like cleaning and cooking, in favor of dedicating myself to my school work and trying to help out with the home remodel that is now outrageously behind schedule.

Speaking of the remodel… we are now about to exceed our original budget and we are on borrowed time at this point.  I *think* we might move in the next few weeks, but I can’t get Geoff to commit to a date which ultimately means it will slip.  My emotions run very high and low about the remodel still.  We are far closer to being done which makes it easy to see the end of the project, but then I feel what I can only describe as a depressive low about it still not being done.  Sometimes I feel like I want to throw my hands up and just “quit” the whole thing, or have a good sit down and cry, or both.  I don’t do well in limbo states and I’ve been stubborn about not living in one physically so we are 100% still living in the little house at this point.  Until I know WHEN we will move, I’m not going to put myself through the disarray of packing and moving.

On top of that we still have our upcoming wedding.  Geoff has been putting a lot of time in to the new house, despite the slow progress, and every time I bring up the wedding planning I feel like I’m being a giant PITA.  I know it wasn’t the plan for the move and the wedding to collide, but the reality is that now they are and that puts even more pressure on both of us.  Just like the remodel, sometimes I feel like I just want to have a good sit down and cry because of the stress of it all.  I’m trying really, really hard to remind myself of what’s important, but I feel like I’m adrift with out a paddle.  All of the stress on both of us means we are both tense, short tempered, and there’s too much that needs to be discussed during the limited time we do see each other.  I can only hope it will be better once we are moved, but by that time it will be the point of no return for the wedding.  Anything that hasn’t been sorted out will be too short of notice to do anything about.

I still have a bunch of ideas and projects percolating within me, but I’m pushing them to the back burner a bit right now until I have the mental space to really address them.


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